I've been a bit glum of late. Lots of confusion.
Lots of late night decision making (the dark is NOT a good time for that).
You all know the drill (and if you don't know, than I say yeah for you because you have totally got your life together!). Things not going as you had hoped. Success not seeming possible.
As I bored my husband yet again with my booth plans, business plan, definition of success, whining about people ignoring me, etc. I ended up saying this, "I've just lost the fun. Somewhere along the way this junque stopped being fun."
WHOA. STOP THE PRESSES.
Junque not fun?
He told me this was a big deal and a big problem.
He was right of course. I kept thinking about it and Saturday night I did something I have not done in a while. Made something just because I wanted to make it. Headed down to my cave (you remember my "Where Women Create" studio is the unfinished, piled high with junque side of the basement - soooooooooooo glamorous) with these:
A t-shirt from my closet, a vintage cross stitch napkin and the remnants of an embroidered table runner).
I cut, I ironed on interfacing, I pinned, pondered placement and then I sewed (of course I was still working on altered scarves while I did this which reduced my "I should only do things that can make money guilt").
I came out with this:
I have no illusions that I am the first person to do this. Lots of folks are altering clothes. But this is me. Actually me. Not me trying to be what all the big shots look like. Not me trying to get the RH, PB, Anthro look. Just me.
I'm not a shabby chic girl. I don't do all white. I love florals but I do not want them everywhere. I like my vintage to tell a story and somehow I stopped telling my story and started telling the one I thought people wanted to buy.
I'm pretty small potato in this junque community. I'm the girl dealers laugh at when I pull up to my booth in my SUV with the soccer sticker on the back. That's all I've got. An SUV. I pack it like Tetris (which I do not do well on screen but am surprisingly talented at when it comes to stuffing the car). I don't rent a truck. Can't rent a truck. Bigger overhead means less profit and possibly Mr. Wonderful and I recognize that my driving skills are not quite up to the task!
I've got no help. No entourage to unload. Me. The kind of me who only buys furniture that a)fits in my car and b) I can lift by myself (note to self - working out would help). It's not a pretty sight but I get it done.
I'm just a mom trying to make enough money to pay for soccer and horseback riding lessons. I'd like to be bigger but this isn't the time for that. I've lost sight of my goals. I got them all muddied up with wanting to be recognized/successful.
That might be fun if it were working. It's not. When you sit at a show and miss soccer games to not sell enough to pay for those games while realizing your junque addiction stopped being fun...you realize you lost your way.
My self confidence has taken a hit as well. I question all of my decisions. I am afraid to try anything for fear it might be a money losing endeavor. We all know you've got to spend money to make money but man, it just keeps flowing out, out, out.
So I sat. I sewed. I finished. I liked it. I had fun doing it. I will wear it with pride at Vintage Marketplace. Slowly I will find my way back to me. I will find the courage to be who I am and stop caring how I am received/perceived.
I will fly.
Yours in junque,