I realize I've been a bit silent of late. Since I like to talk this is rather amusing and possibly worrisome.
I confess I have lost my blogging mojo. After Friday's events in CT I have rather lost my mojo all together. Soul crushing. Those are the only words I have and it did not even happen to me. My thoughts are confused and muddied. I have nothing to offer except sadness. For everyone affected I send my strongest thoughts and a wish for healing (which in truth I think is impossible). I want my world before Friday back. The one where children were sacred and I believed that once my kids got to school they were safe. I want that world back for every victim and I'm struggling with accepting its loss.
Blogging has lost its allure as well. For a while I have felt inundated with "Pin me", "vote for my post", boost my follower numbers. Parties seem to be about which post was most liked, who will be featured. I succumbed to the siren song of popularity. I did not love (or succeed) at high school politics the first time. I assure you I do not wish to do it again!
Shows have been similar. I've spoken of "the cool kids" before. I am not one of them. They don't even see me when I'm right in front of them. I want to say I don't care but keeping it real? Yes, it hurts. Yes, I want to be seen. Yes, I want to be picked for the team.
Well the only way to win the game is to play on your own terms. So I'm trying harder to create my own game where I play by my rules. The ones where I share information. The ones where I tell you about opportunities even when it might mean you get picked and I don't. And I share my stuff knowing full well it will be copied and knocked off.
This week at school my daughter had three "friends" play the "I'm not your friend anymore game" at her expense. She is bewildered. She is scared to go to school because she feels certain another one will leave her. We all know this feeling. It absolutely has happened to each of us. I don't want it for her. I didn't want to imagine that at almost 40 (yes almost - because I STILL have three months in my 30's) I would still be facing it. Blogging/shows sort of feel like that. So I need to step back until I can face things on my terms.
If you would like you can still find me on My Facebook page. I post there daily. It's fast. It's still fun and I feel less pressure to be them and instead have a good time just being me. Warts and all. Weird Junque. Get me or don't. Less than picture perfect pictures. Me. Just me. The only way I can teach my daughter to love herself as she is, is to model the same. I'm working on it...
I'll be back when my head is clearer. When I am stronger in who I am. Thanks for visiting!
Making every day a little bit vintage,