Sunday, December 16, 2012

A Bit of Xmas and By Way of Explanation

I realize I've been a bit silent of late. Since I like to talk this is rather amusing and possibly worrisome.
I confess I have lost my blogging mojo. After Friday's events in CT I have rather lost my mojo all together. Soul crushing. Those are the only words I have and it did not even happen to me. My thoughts are confused and muddied. I have nothing to offer except sadness. For everyone affected I send my strongest thoughts and a wish for healing (which in truth I think is impossible). I want my world before Friday back. The one where children were sacred and I believed that once my kids got to school they were safe. I want that world back for every victim and I'm struggling with accepting its loss.
Blogging has lost its allure as well. For a while I have felt inundated with "Pin me", "vote for my post", boost my follower numbers. Parties seem to be about which post was most liked, who will be featured. I succumbed to the siren song of popularity. I did not love (or succeed) at high school politics the first time. I assure you I do not wish to do it again!
Shows have been similar. I've spoken of "the cool kids" before. I am not one of them. They don't even see me when I'm right in front of them. I want to say I don't care but keeping it real? Yes, it hurts. Yes, I want to be seen. Yes, I want to be picked for the team.
Well the only way to win the game is to play on your own terms. So I'm trying harder to create my own game where I play by my rules. The ones where I share information. The ones where I tell you about opportunities even when it might mean you get picked and I don't. And I share my stuff knowing full well it will be copied and knocked off.
This week at school my daughter had three "friends" play the "I'm not your friend anymore game" at her expense. She is bewildered. She is scared to go to school because she feels certain another one will leave her. We all know this feeling. It absolutely has happened to each of us. I don't want it for her. I didn't want to imagine that at almost 40 (yes almost - because I STILL have three months in my 30's) I would still be facing it. Blogging/shows sort of feel like that. So I need to step back until I can face things on my terms.
If you would like you can still find me on My Facebook page. I post there daily. It's fast. It's still fun and I feel less pressure to be them and instead have a good time just being me. Warts and all. Weird Junque. Get me or don't. Less than picture perfect pictures. Me. Just me. The only way I can teach my daughter to love herself as she is, is to model the same. I'm working on it...
I'll be back when my head is clearer. When I am stronger in who I am. Thanks for visiting!
Making every day a little bit vintage,


Amber Rose said...

I feel the same about what happened Friday. You put it better than I have been able to, so thanks for that.

Best way to live your life is to not care about popularity. It always astounds me when grown people play those high school games. I never played which always gave me my own sort of popularity amongst the outsiders. They are much more interesting and adventurous folk anyway.
You rock, so forget them!

Theda said...

I love you. I wish I could make you feel okay, but only you can do that. Someday when you're 70+ it won't matter any more....or as much...about being the star, I mean. I wanted to be "the one" so bad, but it never happened. Being the facilitator is the next best thing. Watching other stars shine is fun....especially if you can help. It's hard to see how much you shine when you're it, but you're one who I've loved watching. Keep on doing what you do....someday you'll be amazed at how much you mean to people.

And in a separate thought....the bad things in the world will hurt just as much or more, because you will have lived more things that you can relate to them.

Anonymous said...

thank you for your honest thoughts. You would be surprised by how many others feel similar.
As for the events of Friday, I feel stunned. I worry about the daily upsets of my daughter's life (friends, grades, etc) and my heart hurts when hers does. It is so unbearable to think that these children (and everyone else) that have survived will deal with things that no one should ever think of let alone live through.
Right now remember it is family and the people we love that is important. We entertain ourselves with shows, collections etc, but it is people who make our lives worth living. Hug your daughter. I have hardly let go of mine since she got off the bus friday.

sweetvintageofmine said...

Evening Carrie, It is so understandable that our emotions are all over the place. America, this Christmas will not be the same. It has penetrated the deepest part of our hearts, and left us so vulnerable. We are truly looking at the priorities in LIFE and I can assure you, it isn't blogging. GOD, family and friends is what is important! If you believe or have
FAITH in GOD, he fulfills us in every way. My goal for my blog is to be FUN, light-hearted and hopefully touch the heart of someone through Christ. My prayers are with you...take a step back, a deep breath, for GOD LOVES YOU and sees your HEART. Blessings to you and your family...Merry Christmas! Roxie